Most of the drama, bits and hilarity that unfolded over the three-hour premiere of ABC's "The Bachelor" did not, unfortunately, return for episode two.
Sure, viewers were still treated to a couple catfights, a canoe race and one long, way-overdrawn-out horseback ride, but there was simply not enough action to keep the casual viewer interested for two hours on Monday. At least, not enough to keep this viewer engaged.
It was boring with a capital B.
The show's host, Chris Hansen, began the opening scene by reminding the bachelorettes that “timing is everything.” Our very own 2013 Red Oak graduate and “The Bachelor” hopeful, Demi Burnett took that advice to heart — early and often.
The bachelorettes were then read a card sent by bachelor Colton Underwood that announced Burnett and seven other ladies would go on the first group date of the season. The eight were then taken a theater — and not the kind with a big silver screen.
The tease for the date was “All About Firsts.” And, as two TV stars from "Parks and Rec", Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman, explained, the day would consist of the women telling of various “firsts” they have experienced in their lives, eventually performing their “firsts” in front of about 200 people.
However, when the two presented their versions of firsts, the stories carried heavy sexual innuendos.
“No one is going to have a story like mine,” Burnett warned. Boy, was she was right.
Underwood told about the first time he disclosed to a teammate that he was a virgin. Denise talked about being old. Nicole, the 25-year-old social media coordinator from Miami, told the crowd she was excited to “eat white bread” after dating so many Cubans and Puerto Ricans. Tracy, 31, then gave an appalling recount of how she and a college friend both went after a virgin fraternity president. The story ended with the bachelorette hopefully punching her friend and the guy no longer being a virgin. If nothing else, she at least put her new housemates on notice.
It was then time for Burnett.
Burnett told a story of how she met a guy at a “really crazy party” and explained that she isn’t someone who typically waits to get what she wants. It was then that she promptly walked off of the stage, grabbed Underwood by the face and laid a wet one on him.
“And that is the story of how I got the first group date rose,” Burnett said after returning to the microphone on stage. (Spoiler: She didn't get the first group date rose.)
Needless to say, the other seven women were less than pleased. Burnett was all smiles.
After the nine made their way to dinner, it was again Burnett who made the first move and asked Underwood for a secluded chat. The other seven quickly took the opportunity to trash Burnett for the fearless move in the theater.
“Bold move,” Underwood said to Burnett of the kiss. “[…] I really liked the confidence.”
He then kissed her again. At this point, you just have to admire her gameplay.
Despite Burnett’s attempts to snag the first first-date rose and several minutes of rather uneventful television, Underwood ultimately chose Elise as the rose's recipient.
We were then taken on the first one-on-one date of the season, which saw birthday girl Hannah B, the 24-year-old Miss Alabama winner, hit peak awkward following a horseback ride trip to a sauna in the desert.
The several-commercial-break-long date put a new meaning to being bored to tears. I literally yawned after typing that sentence.
And don’t ask me how, why or whatever, but somehow she showed enough on the date to earn a rose at the end of it. There’s a good chance I slept through the exciting portion. Or something.
We eventually headed for a second group date at a summer camp that split the group into two teams, with the losing team headed back to the mansion and winners having the opportunity to stay the night under stars.
The Red team dominated the relay portion — races with an egg on a spoon, three legs and a potato sack, and the ever difficult, at least for team Yellow, wheelbarrow run. Team Yellow then won the canoe race only to be overmatched in the tug-o-war in the finale of “The Bachelor Jamboree.”
The ensuing 26 minutes of TV were probably riveting for some. For others, it was a fantastic time to fold some laundry and pack away a couple more Christmas decorations.
Never-been-kissed Heather later received the second group-date rose. And I have no idea what unfolded between the end of the tug-o-war and the rose choice.
The show then returned to the mansion and the cattiness finally ensued.
The highlight of the return home came when Onyeka, 24-year-old from Dallas, broke up a one-on-one chat with an air horn, informing Underwood that she was “horn-y” and just “had to let it out.” NBA dancer Sydney, who had her time with the bachelor cut short by the air horn that the dogs in the living room certainly did not enjoy, then returned with her own noisemakers; first beating a spoon against a cookie sheet and then using a mallet on a large pot because it “made more noise.”
Remember when it was noted that Burnett was playing the game and playing it well? She further proved that after interrupting Underwood and Tracy, 31, while wearing a bathrobe and taking the bachelor upstairs for a…. back scratch. Yet again, the other however-many women did not appreciate the antics. But it sure was amusing.
The rose ceremony followed and, once again, Burnett was “thrilled to accept this rose.”
See ya next week, America.