America laid witness to an absurdly odd feat of strength as it watched one beauty queen begin to unravel while the other received a tear-drenched rose during episode three of “The Bachelor.”
And that doesn’t even include the continued antics of Red Oak hopeful Demi Burnett, who has quickly solidified herself as fan-favorite — at least for entertainment purposes.
This week began with the show’s host, Chris Hansen, reminding the women to “take your time” with bachelor Colton Underwood before issuing the first of two group date cards.
The group of ladies chosen for the date was then shipped over to a theater for a pirate-themed afternoon, complete with rope swinging and sword fighting.
Tracy, the 31-year-old who despises Burnett for constant jabs at being the oldest woman on the show, and former-Miss America hopeful Caelynn then squared off in a one-on-one sword battle.
During the action, Burnett hurled a turkey leg — like one from Scarborough Faire — onto the pirate-ship-themed stage from the “poop deck,” which is where the other bachelorettes were seated.
Caelynn ultimately won the battle and was rewarded with the opportunity to “save” a tied up Underwood before the group departed for a more intimate setting.
It then took 16 whole minutes of show time for Demi to make her first move of the night, proving she truly took Hansen’s advice to heart. After all, she pounced on her first opportunity the last two episodes.
“Oh boy, yeah,” exclaimed Colton as Burnett asked if he was OK to be blindfolded. She promptly instructed him to bend over, he obliged and she then spanked him with a paddle before putting a fake hand near his waistline and then the couple shared a rather passionate kiss.
“I just think so time your delivery can be a little different than you intend for it to be,” said Courtney to Burnett after the latter interrupted the former’s one-on-one time for the opportunity to paddle the bachelor.
The discussion prompted Burnett to respond with rather colorful language that, to sum it up nicely, told Courtney to mind her own business. She added, “This conversation is annoying me.”
However, it was never-been-kissed Heather who really stirred the pot when she instructed Hannah B., the beauty queen from Alabama, to tell Underwood of the ongoing feud between the two former-Miss America hopefuls — the other being Caelynn.
For those who have lost track at home, Hannah B. (former-Miss Alabama) and Caelynn (former-Miss North Carolina) were roommates during the Miss America pageant but had some sort of falling out short after the former was named the first runner-up.
Hannah B. followed through with the advice — if that’s what you want to call it — and interrupted Underwood’s one-on-one with Caelynn to inform the bachelor that her former roommate is not who she pretends to be. The result was that Underwood left the session with Hannah more-than-displeased, confronted Caelynn (she cried) and then awarded Caelynn the group date rose.
Talk about backfire.
This week’s one-on-one date featured Elyse, a redhead from Soldonta, AK, a bunch of kids and an amusement park.
After the tilt-a-world, a few carny games and a bunch of loud children running around unattended, the two spoke from the heart over a dinner at the bottom of a staircase.
She loved the way he interacted with kids. He loved her openness. She got a rose and then they went to dance in front of a couple hundred people while some country band (not from Texas) played.
It was beautiful or something.
We then embarked on group date No. 2 of the evening, featuring Terry and Rebecca Crews and a lot of physical fitness.
The date began with some deep (emphasis on deep) moves to limber up between Underwood and one of the bachelorettes, which led Cassie to deem the bachelor “not a stretching virgin anymore.”
The group of women then gawked at Underwood as he completed a few random cross-fit-kind-of workouts shirtless before advancing to the beach for the “Bachelor’s Strongest Woman” contest.
The Crews’ informed the group that the top three bachelorettes would advance to the finals, with the winner embarking on a short one-on-one with Underwood.
One bachelorette struggled to push a 150-pound wedding cake, three others flipped a heavy tire with the kind of form that will almost certainly lead to a sore back and then a miracle occurred — Caitlin, who might not know the difference in gym and Jim, pulled a limousine like a dang boss.
With every step she took toward the finish line, America was forced to wonder aloud, “Is Colton pushing from behind?” And, just as those words were spoken from millions of couches, there Underwood appeared on screen, cheering along with the rest of the group.
It was easily the most impressive performance of the event, yet was not enough to earn her a spot in the finals. The Crews’ might have screwed this one up worse than the NFL referees at the end of the New Orleans Saints—Los Angeles Rams game.
The three women chosen for the finals were tasked with carrying a “heavy-heart” sandbag a couple dozen feet and lifting it onto a five-foot-ish platform. Onyeka, a former track athlete, ran away with the win.
Though we did not see any of what Underwood and Onyeka might or might not have done in the limo after her victory before returning for the rest of the group date, we did get to see Underwood send home Caitlyn home after the two had terribly boring conversation upon the group uniting for the second half of their group date. He walked the 25-year-old realtor to the door and she was taken home (or, I suppose the airport or something) in a black SUV.
Underwood eventually returned to the group date and gave group date rose to Nicole.
The episode concluded with a drunken pool party and Burnett, along with 14 other bachelorette hopefuls, being “ecstatic to accept this rose.”
They are now all off to Singapore, while we are left to wonder just how Caitlyn pulled that limo across the sand.