Colton Underwood went where no man has gone before and the feuds continued during week five of ABC's "The Bachelor" on Monday night.
This week’s episode began with Underwood taking Heather, 22, on the first one-on-one date in Thailand.
“That girl’s never been kissed?!” exclaimed my roommate, Alex, after I explained that Heather had, indeed, never been lip-locked. He was floored, in reality-show love, and was hooked enough to watch his first-ever full episode of “The Bachelor.”
The show broke away from the one-on-one date — which was at a time where Underwood and Heather were sitting on the edge of a lake and talking about rocks — to have the girls learn who was chosen for the group date. It was then that Cassie, our 23-year-old early favorite from California, discovered she was destined for a one-on-one later in the week. Cha-ching.
We returned to the Underwood-Heather date with the two talking about the fact that she had never been kissed (shocker!) and him ultimately awarding her a rose.
“I hope that we can make other first experiences together,” Underwood said just before passing over the red rose.
The two lovebirds then awkwardly danced on the moonlit beach, talked about “so pretty” lights in the ocean, and then watched a private fireworks show.
And then, it happened.
“I have kissed a boy,” Heather said in the off-scene interview. “It was so good and felt so natural.” She also hoped her first kiss would include butterflies and, ironically, fireworks. Kudos to the producers for providing the latter.
Side note: It was also around this same time that my roommate and I began to discuss a Bachelor spinoff — Prince Hairy, featuring a large bearded man in place of the Prince Harry-esque Underwood. It’d be a sure hit. Maybe.
We were then treated to a slight flare-up that involved Elyse, 31, after she learned her destiny for the week was a group date. Elyse swore up and down to Underwood during an unplanned one-on-one quickie that the insecurities she felt were not related to now-been-kissed Heather, but it was evident to those watching that it was. She then, for all intents and purposes, dumped our bachelor.
He’s now been dumped twice on national television — once as a hopeful and once as “The Bachelor.” That has to be a first, right? I mean, how does the guy with the show get dumped?
The move was further proof that it can happen to any of us, boys.
The decision by Elyse resulted in 10 women departing for a group date themed, “We will survive.”
Hannah B., one part of the two-part feuding beauty queen tandem, promptly ate a bug. Underwood touched a giant snake and one of the bachelorettes let a scorpion crawl on her arm. I know it’s been stated before, but these group dates are…odd. I can safely assure that I’ve never taken a potential wife on a jungle date based around surviving in the wild.
While the other two groups searched for bugs to impress the bachelor, the group featuring Demi Burnett, our 2013 Red Oak graduate, and her two survivalists — Hannah B. and Hannah G. — headed back to civilization via a taxi of sorts and to a brunch complete with mimosas and cheeseburgers.
“These other ladies can suck maggots, but I’m popping champagne,” Demi said before stuffing a burger in Underwood’s mouth after the trio returned to the jungle setting. They lost the bug-catching competition but surely won a few brownie points and a hangover.
Underwood made sure to note that he enjoyed the burgers more than the bugs.
Once back at the house for the second part of the group date, Onyeka told Underwood that Nicole was solely on the show as an “opportunity to get out of Miami.”
Onyeka spoke with Demi about the information that was passed along by Elyse earlier in the week. The two agreed that Underwood needed to know. Onyeka later learned that the information was false.
Cue the awkward confrontation.
Even more awkward was that Hannah B. got the group-date rose. I just don’t understand. Like, how, bro?
We then embarked on the first one-on-one date between Underwood and Cassie, who is my clear frontrunner.
“It is just so natural when it comes to our chemistry,” Underwood said to Cassie and America as the two embarked on a boat ride. They then spent the next five minutes of TV time making out and snuggling on a somewhat sketchy boat before arriving at a private “island” (it was a sandbar).
They proceed to make out in the ocean. She’s going to win this thing.
“I am insanely attracted to Cassie,” Underwood said in the post-date interview.
Yeah, dude, we’ve tried to tell you this since she arrived. Geez.
The two ended the date in one of the biggest beds that I’ve ever seen and with Underwood telling Cassie, “I’m crazy about you.”
The drama for the evening surfaced just before the final rose ceremony when Nicole presented her side of the “opportunity to get out of Miami” accusations.
Nicole accused Onyeka of being a bully, who then rebutted by telling Underwood that the former is “not a nice person.”
The ongoing quarrel ended in the show leaving all those watching with a mouthful of cusswords (or at least dirty ones) and a “To Be Continued” graphic on the screen.
Demi is obviously safe for at least another week, though the week six teaser showed her in tears; so I’ll see ya next week, America.